God, was my day ruined last week. I was out with the hot coworker for beers till about midnight and I decided to troll for men online after I got home. Never let me drink on a weekday, I turn into a raging wannabe slut.
Anyway, 2 hours of banter and mindless chatting, I decided to call it a night. First, it was too late for anyone to come over on a weeknight and second, I wasn’t really in the mood to see anyone else but Mr. Gehry.
As I was logging off, Mr. Gehry came online and he asked me why I was up so late. I told him I was going to bed and asked him why he himself was up at 1:30 on a Wednesday. He said “you’re probably not going to want to hear this but I am telling you anyway.”
My heart skipped a beat. I felt my head tingle and I stared blankly at his words on the screen. I knew what he was going to say. I debated whether or not to close the message window and retreat but the curiosity got the better of me.
It turned out he was out with this old friend of his that he re-met on a gay personals website. They used to teach sailing together so not only do they have a passion for boats, they both seem to have a newfound passion for sailors as well. Mr. Scooner has a boyfriend though so I had nothing to worry about… Right? Right…
They had gone out for beers themselves a few blocks away from where I was slamming a few back. As they were leaving the bar, Mr. Scooner put the moves on my architect and smooched him in the stairwell. Then they milled about in College Park – yes, where the bums drink – and made out. Mr. Scooner was feeling like flying the coop and into my boy’s pants. Supposedly, it was made abundantly clear that Mr. Scooner wanted to get down and dirty despite his lonely boyfriend sitting at home on this cold Wednesday night. They parted ways and went home.
If Mr. Scooner was living alone downtown instead of with his parents, would Mr. Gehry have gone home with him to get his cock sucked? Of course. Any red-budded alpha male would’ve jumped at the opportunity, right? RIGHT?
Anyway, he came over after his class the next night to talk. We chatted about the status of our relationship. I wanted to cut it off inevitably as I wasn’t going to waste my time with something that is just going to end in me being hurt.
He asked me, “so do you get the flutters when you’re with me?” I couldn’t answer that immediately. I changed the subject.
He admitted to me the next night that indeed, he would’ve taken the offer with enough coercion. With a few pints, I was doubtful that he would think about my needs and my concerns. And why would he? It’s not like we’re together. It’s not like we’re in a committed relationship. He has made it clear that he wants to “play around” and why shouldn’t he? He’s free to do whatever he wants. I feel like he SHOULD be able to explore as this is all new to him. A few months ago, he was still talking about pussy. This gay thing is opening new physical doors for him and I am almost glad that he is in the process of discovering more about his sexuality.
But what bothers me isn’t exactly the physical doors. It’s the emotional ones. I mean, how am I supposed to feel about all this? I have this great guy who treats me wonderfully and who gets along with everyone I introduce him to. The sex is great, he’s not actively dating anyone else and he regards me as a close friend that he can trust. We have a lot of fun together. We have stumbled upon the formula for a committed relationship.
So why do I feel like I’m just stumbling? I feel a little strangled every time I think about becoming an official couple, but I want to have some sort of binding relationship as well. Again, with the contradictions.
The pace of us is wonderful. Like a slow-cooked stew. I like what we have. I don’t see him that much. We have our own lives. And when we do get together, it’s like my world turns into this great, simple and lovely place of laughter, affection and friendship.
We’re not in love with each other. We’re not obsessed with each other. We don’t ever argue. It’s just perfect.
Except for one thing.
He’s like a 13 year-old discovering masturbation for the first time and I want monogamy. He said, “ya know, I don’t have a problem with you trolling for other men.” And I replied, “ya know… Maybe that’s the problem. You don’t have a problem. I guess I wish you did.”
On Friday, we went to Klute at the El Mo and watching him nod off on the way home, I realized how much I really did care for him. Not in that puppy-dog love way but in a way that I had never perceived anyone else before. I saw a little boy trapped in a man’s body. I saw someone I could really get to cherish. I saw a person who I respected and a human being that I could grow to care for deeply in 5 years.
And to answer his above query: even though they feel like they have morphed into something different than the past ones, yes... I do get the flutters.
