Manual for the Closested: How to get Converted. And Like it.
By: Sunny and Stephan
Recently, it has come apparent to us that the many guys (and girls) out there who want to 'bat for the other team' are highly uninformed as how to facilitate this process. Fortunately, being such good Samaritans, we decided to help these people with some basic guidelines developed from years of experience. We hope that you can take from this the knowledge and confidence it takes to blast your sexual world wide open and enjoy the plunge.
Issue 1 - Labels Listen. No one cares what the fuck you are. Especially us. You can be straight today, gay tomorrow. You can be gay on tuesdays. You can gay on the downlow. You can be absolutely straight, but like to suck cock. We dont fucking care. so long as you are there and willing, you could be asexual, we don't care. That said, bringing up the conversation of sexual orientation is a good way to open up the green lights. As you see later in this guide, green lighting is one of the most effective ways to get what you want - which in this case would be us.
Mofo says - "The only label I wanna see is the label of your underwear"
Issue 2 - Finding us Seriously, unless you're fucking blind, you probably already know. Furthermore, please remember that we are guys. Subtlety is not our forte. If you think you're getting hit on, chances are you are. Like, we dont do boring inane shit with anyone. If we're indulging your boring inane shit because we want to have you naked. You know how when you look at that hot chick and you just want to fuck her, Like who she is is essentially irrelevant? Thats how we feel about you. Its great isn't it.
Mofo says - "I dont care about what your wear for your interview. I just want to suck your cock in Banana Republic"
Issue 3 - Green Lighting This makes our job so godamn easy that it should be illegal for you guys to NOT green light as deliberately as you can. Vagueness and subtlety are completely different things. Vague would be, "Yeah, my last girlfriend just didn't get me going, even though I thought she was hot," but subtlety is like, " Yeah, my last girlfriend just didn't get me going, I think she was just too soft. I need something rougher." Much better. Remember - We're guys. If you say, "Yeah, my last girlfriend just didn't get me goig, I think she just didn't have a cock," we wont put off or offended, we'll just lean in. It can really be that easy. Other suggested green lighting scenarios -
Wrestling - Always very effective, but be sure to make your point that the wrestling is merely a ploy.
Anything involving water - Showers, baths, swimming, steam rooms, all pretty much do the trick.
One on one things that guys shouldnt do one on one - Shaving/waxing your body, any kind of muscle worship and/or working out together, watching any porn together, etc.
Making really obvious compliments - I once had a guy tell me, and I quote, "Not to sound gay, or anything, but when I first saw you, I really noticed your eyes." Frankly, the deal was sealed at that moment.
Mofo says - "I love to take pictures."
Issue 4 - Limits We recognize that you have them, and to be honest, thats what makes it so damn hot. If there arent any limits to push, you might as well be gay, thus defeating the purpose of all this work. The best way to express your limits is by telling us. Yes, it may feel awkward for about 7.457 seconds, but afterwards you won't really care. If you don't say anything, you can bet that we will push the limits. Afterall, that is why we're here. And please, please, tell us BEFORE we're about to show you what we learned at the Fly afterparty. It goes a long way. Here are some basic limitation tiers -
Kissing We get it, you think kissing is "too intimate". Thats fine. We dont care.
Just masturbation Fine, but you're really missing out on the whole point of this if we just jerk you off. Come back in a month or two.
Oral Now we're getting somewhere.
Assplay Aside from the fact that straight guy ass hygenie is incredibly questionable, its nothing a shower cant fix. But, we understand if you cant go there. But we are willing.
Intercourse Theres almost nothing hotter than getting fucked by a straight guy. Except, of course, fucking them. So, dont even toy with us about this unless you are totally gungho.
Mofo says - "Yes, I swallow."
Issue 6 - The Sex - Yep, we know what we're doing. Don't think about anything, like whether or not you should be enjoying this, and just enjoy. - Throw us around. We're guys, we like it. Trust me. Note, if we're substantially larger than you, you will get thrown around. Enjoy. - Receiving doesn't make you gay, but we dont give a fuck about your label an yway (See Issue 1) - Noises are good.
Mofo says - "I like it when they say my name, like, Oh my god you are so much better than my girlfriend."
Issue 7 - The Morning After Look, when it comes down to it, we've done this more than you. So it is quite obvious that we would be far more comfortable than you. This does not mean that a) we are in love with you or b) we are being quiet or weirded out. Rather, we're just enjoying our buzz. Given that you will likely have some morning issues, you can talk to us about it or we can just have round 2(...n) and forget about it. If you are so fucked up in the morning that you are grossed out, have the courtesy to take it easy and be respectful. We didn't "do this" to you, it takes two for fellatio.
Mofo says - "Do you want to stay for breakfest?" does not equal "Do you want to be my boyfriend"
Issue 8 - The Girlfriend First of all, dont fucking cheat on your girlfriend. Even though it may seem disconnected because its with a guy, you're still cheating. Dont. That said, don't expect US to make the moral decision. We think you're hot and frankly, thats enough to break down the judgement system of our brain (much like you are already doing). If you leave it up to us, you're basically saying "I want to fuck you but I dont want to take responsibility for it." Which is fine really, but then don't blame us. If the girlfriend is a friend of ours, dont even try. We'll tell her. Maybe.
Mofo says - "I'm innocent."
Issue 9 - Conversion Succes! This is the most ideal result. Once again, we don't give a fuck what you are, just that you want this to be ongoing. As before, the best approach is "You wanna stay at my place tonight?" and make it real clear we're supposed to be crashing in your bed. Phone calls are also very effective. Texts work as well. I once received a super hot text message to the effect of, "Im just out of the shower and hard as fuck. Come here." I went immediately.
Mofo says - "Please, fucking before the party is so much better than after if you have to pick."
Issue 10 - Conversion - Failure It's cool. We understand. We wont be weird about it. If you think we're being weird, chances are its you who is feeling weird, not us acting that way. Yeah, we will treat you like a friend once more and respect your boundaries. Dont even pretend to flirt, its so not fucking fair. Remember, we still respect your feelings since we're a hybrid. Try your best to respect ours. Again, we didnt "do this" to you.
Mofo says - "Please make it clear whether or not the conversion was a success or not. Some guys just take months to want to have another round and this is confusing. But I'm still on call."
Issue 11 - The Chasing Amy Conundrum This is the most complex result that can come from a conversion. One strong side-effect of conversion is the converted being very open and very secure with us. This can be bad since it comes off as wanting us to explore more than just your hot body. If, for some reason, you really do feel this way, take your time and be honest. The last thing you want is for us to feel super confused and emotionally attached to you when you don't even know how you feel yourself. On the other hand, some of us are pretty casual. If you feel this way, and we don't reciprocate it, what were you expecting?
Mofo says - "Sigh"
Issue 12 - 3somes Fuck yes, we want to. The idea of you and your jock buddy experimenting while we participate is the only thing hotter than doing you in the first place. I have yet to meet a gay guy who, aside from being a 3some verteran, wasn't atleast willing. Go for it. We have your back guy. When it comes to involving us with your girl, thats cool as well. Just make sure she knows about it first.
Mofo says - "Are you trying to kill me here"
Issue 13 - Trust We saved this one for last. Lets get some basic things settled out. a) If you tell us to keep things quiet, we will. We're already masters at hiding our sex lives, its second nature. Yes, we will tell your story, but we're amazing at constantly changing pseudonyms and other aspects of anonymity. b) We're not trying to make you GAY, we're trying to make you COME. c) Yes, some people will know about it. Those people are probably more hot guys you can have sex with. If you invoke a), they'll still know about you, just not that we actually got you already. d) If you had any stand out qualities, like a spectacular cock, you will advertise for you. Trust us, it's extremely effective. Best PR you will ever get. And yes, it will mostly be to girls.
Mofo says - "I wont say anything.. as long as you're still sleeping with me."
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Well, that is the main guide. We hope you all enjoyed this guide and that it may help some of you get your homo on. Stay tuned for updates and more guides from us. Our benevolence is unending.
Appendix A - Converter Types The Trap - This is characterized by the type of guy who will always up the ante with you until you make a move. Excellent if you want the control, they are always willing to take it one step further. The downside to traps is that emotions often enter the fray from both sides. Can be complicated if there is previous friendship. The Jock - This is characterized by much drunken playfighting, wanting to work out with you, and other directly physical things. These are great but often require you to make the green light, typically because they're very aggressive and dont want to put you off, just get you off. Great for being at the Guvernment and wanting to bring home some ass instead of pussy. The Anything Goes Guy - This is the type who has probably already tried to kiss you. He doesnt have any one sexual orientation, just orientation of the day. Good option if you want to just meet halfway so to speak. The Undercover Agent Possibly the most sneaky, the undercover agent is a wolf in sheeps clothing. He will be your friend, probably legitmately, but chances are he wouldnt mind something else on the side. It is imperative that you make a move here, since the agent doesnt want to be exposed or challenge a friendship. If you show effort, it will solidfy their resolve that you want some fries with that too. The Drag Queen What?
Appendix B - Common terms Top - n, v. The guy who is fucking. adj. A guy who generally prefers to do the fucking. Often synonymous with dominant.
Bottom - n, v. The guy who is being fucked. adj. A guy who generally prefers to be fucked. Often synonymous with submissive.
Rimming - Eating ass. Yes it feels that good. Yes, we expect you to be thoroughly clean. Also tossing salad.
Versatile - Both a top and bottom depending on several factors.
