He: - must take me to Barenaked Ladies concerts - must not touch my feet - must wear a seatbelt when driving - must not wear denim that is more expensive than one month of condo fees - must drink as much as I do - must not ever order anything like a cosmo or a crantini with a serious face - must smell like sex all the time - must not tell me to check out his big poos or ask me to pull his finger - must like Six Feet Under and racist jokes - must be nice to my dad - must not make anything for me with lentils in it - must be nice to kids but mean to the sucky ones - must be able to yell with me - must not have perfect teeth - must be kind to animals that he doesn't eat - must not die during sex (that is so cliche) - must not snicker when I ask for Designing Women for Christmas - must not talk through movies - must be able to teach me how to play certain sports and how to rollerblade without laughing or giving up - must hug me when I'm sad - must comply with my foot fetish - must grill steaks for us at least once a week in the summer - must not have a tattoo of a Canadian flag or the Tasmanian Devil on his ankle - must not suggest we get matching belly piercings - must drive a fuel efficient car and keep the passenger side clean so that I don't get cat hairs or Big Mac sesame seeds stuck to the back of my coat when we have to go to dinner - must put dishes back to the sink when he's finished eating off them (eventually) - must not ever stretch out any of my shirts - must not ever come on, in or around my ass without telling me first (not happening anyway and an unsanctioned hot splash of AIDS will result in an immediate back kick to his ballsack) - must like making out in front of people to piss them off - must like fireworks - must not shove joints in my face - must like watching DVD commentary - must not ever say the "N" word for real! - must have many interests to share with me such as monster trucks and Vietnam war re-enactments - must not have bacne but even that I can get over - must have red hair and be the brother of the next King of England - must not go on and on about DJing - must be physically strong (but that doesn't mean he has to be big and tall) - must not touch my ass ALL the time till I want to stab him with the first thing in sight (dvd? nail clipper? bike lock keys?) - must tolerate jungle, hop-hop and Ace of Base - must fuck my face - must be able to get along with Kmac and understand her sense of humour - must not hate his mother for no reason - must not have a diaper fetish - must not stand around the washroom as I take a dump - must like bigsausagepizza.com - must eat fried chicken with me in bed and enjoy Full House reruns « 2007-03-13 »
